My Not So Secret Sin

A bit of a sassy title but it got you here, didn’t it 😉

 

Read on and it all comes full circle.

 

You know those times you get a dose of inspiration and you’re insanely happy you brought your laptop.

 

That’s me, right now on my way to Burbank, CA for the Bulletproof conference. I’m insanely lucky to work with a fantastic online marketer who invests in my personal development and hence I get to do cool shit like this.

 

Now, back to the point.

 

The thing I love about having a blog is it allows for me to share my latest finds, meet AMAZING new people and feature them but also a way to share my life.

 

I would still consider myself a fairly novice blogger, and I feel I have a lot of depth to me than I haven’t expressed publically.

 

I don’t know if you can relate to this, but I tend to lean towards the ‘I’m tough as fuck, I got this’ type of mentality as opposed to opening up, addressing my feelings & acknowledging that they’re there to tell me something.

 

Pushing shit down all the time DOES NOT work long term and I’m hoping this post will give a bit more insight into my inner workings as opposed to the image I portray. I feel we all portray an image (especially online), so I don’t feel fake or like a phony admitting that.

 

There is the rare exception, for example, my cousin Natalie (who’s one of the best people I know) doesn’t engage in much online activity, hence no image to portray, making her the exception.

 

If you’re reading this & this is your first exposure to myself & The Life Decoder, welcome! If you’ve known me for a while thanks for stopping by 🙂

 

Over the past 3 years, my life has been…absolutely fucking insane.

 

Insane in the best way imaginable.

 

I’ve had the opportunity to travel all over Australia & SE Asia, fell in love with a guy who is so amazing I couldn’t believe he loved me back, ended that same relationship about 3 months ago after moving back to Vancouver, I completely changed the way I ate & exercised thus dramatically recompositioning my body (and lost about 25lbs), gained friendships, lost friendships, lost myself at one point, discovered the way I could naturally alleviate my anxiety & depression, worked at least 4 jobs, learned what feels like 5000 new skills and am now starting to develop a love for business coaching, copywriting & modelling.

 

Same same but different? Haha, not really. So how do you encapsulate all this into one blog post?

 

Maybe you don’t, but I know there’s a few things I want to express.

 

First of all, FUCK WHAT PEOPLE THINK

 

I don’t know about you, but other people’s opinions of me have held me back from a lot of things. I love having people be proud of me, hitting targets, exceeding expectation & impressing others with my quick learning ability & intellect. The problem with all of that is it involves pleasing others.

 

Is that a bad thing? No. Unless it holds you back from doing what YOU want to do.

 

As I mentioned before, I ended a relationship with someone who I loved more than I can express about 3 months ago. This guy was everything I ever hoped for – good looking, smart, great family, amazing friends who accepted me into their circle unconditionally – you name it.

 

So why did it end? Well, that’s a big question.

 

One thing that I want to be able to give in a relationship is my whole self. What I mean by that is I want to be able to show up completely authentically, be honest & real with where I’m at and allow for the other person to see my imperfections.

 

Problem is, to be able to do all that, you have to be able to show up with yourself first.

 

The battles with myself have changed dramatically, however, I still struggle with tuning into where I’m really at sometimes. I struggle to be honest & real and admit how I feel about certain situations and accept my imperfections.

 

I couldn’t figure out sometimes why it just wasn’t there with this last relationship. You know what I mean…the ‘it’ factor. That connection, that draw, that “he totally fucking gets me and loves me despite it” type of feeling. Our feeling was one of slightly more indifference. I was still in massive people pleasing mode – how can I be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, successful enough, driven enough…just enough. We absolutely loved and supported each other, but having that authentic connection missing in my relationship with myself made  impossible to create it with another person.

 

The decision to end the relationship came upon me like a tidal wave. Weather I wanted to surf it or not didn’t really matter, it completely encapsulated me.  Put a pin in this – we’re going to come back here.

 

I met someone (who is now a dear friend) through a mastermind group I’m a part of. This was someone who was completely unabridged and unapologetic about who he is. He has a freedom and spirit that was so endearing. Seeing someone so…open, so free, so willing to let themselves be seen, it was a huge slap in the face for me.

 

I saw that although I considered myself an open person, I couldn’t match the level of depth he created in our conversations comfortably because I was…the word that comes to mind is reserved. I feel like I was (and still am in some ways) not used to being completely authentic. Everything you do well was hard before it was easy. This was a muscle that I hadn’t exercised and therefore it was weak.

 

Say hello to that people pleaser part of myself. Ugh.

 

Trying to say the right things, do the right things, look the right way and be the right type of person all to be accepted. The funny thing is…I was striving to be accepted for someone that’s not me, and the real question is: what’s so wrong with who I am?

 

I had this image of this good girl, philanthropic, smart, achieving, perfect wife material, thoughtful, pretty & accomplished. I feel like maybe I saw something similar in a movie growing up (and the actress was definitely Jessica Alba or Katie Holmes – I thought those 2 were the THE most beautiful women EVER) and decided that image was something I was going to strive for.

 

The problem isn’t that there’s anything wrong with those traits – THE PROBLEM IS THAT’S NOT ME!

 

I’m smart but also aloof, witty but only if I’m paying attention, I’m pretty but I still have yet to learn how to properly do my hair & makeup without just getting lucky, I’m nice but I have dark side, innocent but I love sexuality and the power or sexual energy, care about helping others but also want to be successful and make a lot of fucking money, honest but will exaggerate my accomplishments when I don’t have my ego in check, want to please other people but also believe we all are responsible for the way we feel and nobody can MAKE you feel anything.

 

Why am I telling you all this? I guess because I’m getting to know myself the same way that you are, and am hoping reading something like this might help you if you’ve ever been in a similar situation.

 

Going back to that relationship.

 

Having met in Bali and deciding to date on a single conversation (things move faster when you’re from different continents), we had the picture-perfect love story that everyone ooohd and aaaahd over.

 

Upon deciding to date, he was working on a contract with a mining company in Australia, having nothing pending for myself back in Canada I moved down to Australia to be with him.

 

The next 2 years were a blur (which I’ll go into in another post) of getting to know a whole new country, developing a new relationship, making new friends, traveling all over SE Asia due to having to exit the country multiple times because of my visitor visa requirements, coming back to Canada so he could meet my family and eventually moving back to Vancouver, BC in October of 2016.

 

Moving with anyone is never easy, let alone moving countries. We did it, with all the trials and tribulations you would expect, but none the less came out alive on the other end.

 

After having the chance to settle into a place without the anticipation of an upcoming change of scenery, it gave me a chance to come to terms with some of the things I mentioned above. Realizations that I was operating from a place of keeping others happy as opposed to developing my own identity.

 

Sometimes, when life moves fast you gotta keep up, and sometimes when life slows down you gotta take that time and figure out why you’re feeling so fucking unsettled every time you’re alone.

 

Ending that relationship was reflective of starting to end the relationship of faking it with myself.

 

Unfortunately, I had to hurt someone I truly loved to take a chance at figuring myself out and what actually makes me happy.

 

This endeavour, once these realisations hit,  needed to happen on my own. If there’s one thing I could say to someone who’s been broken up with and is unclear on the reasons why, please know that this is not your hurt to carry.

 

This is your ex’s attempt to restructure themselves, and it’s really hard to do that when you have someone close to you who reminds you of who you once were. Someone who expects you to be a certain way because you’ve always been that way.

 

I wasn’t anywhere near clear enough to express these changes to myself let alone another person, and it was all too overwhelming.

 

I will forever treasure that relationship & that person. He taught me how to trust in a relationship, how to be consistent, be better with my money and loved me in a way I’ve never experienced. He truly adored me and will be the reference point every future relationship is measured against. Trust me, he set the bar high.

 

Writing this, of course I’m sad it didn’t work out, however the main feeling is one of being proud of myself. Proud that I let him go be happy with someone who can be authentic with him and that I gave myself a chance to follow my own identity.

 

Fuck what people think.

 

Fuck what they say you should do, what you’ve done in the past, what people expect of you. Who do you want to be? What are you comfortable with? Will that offend some people? I FUCKING HOPE SO! If everyone is always happy with you I don’t buy it. I don’t see authenticity there.

 

There’s something writers use to create characters in movies called a character diamond. A character diamond is just that, a diamond, which has 4 points. The first point being your North Star, at the very top. This would be your dominant character traits, why people love you, your strengths.

 

Character Diaod

 

The bottom point would be your South Star, better known as your Counter Star.

 

For example, you could have an incredibly accomplished and intelligent woman who is also an underwear model. The two don’t fit together. Look at Spiderman – this is someone who will risk his live to save anyone, however he can’t talk to the girl he has a crush on because he’s so nervous.

 

You see?

 

We’re attracted to contrast. Having someone who’s just a people pleaser isn’t only not real, it’s boring as fuck!

 

The left-hand point is your Not So Secret Sin. For example, look at Sherlock Holmes. An amazing detective that will stop at nothing to uncover the truth, and is also an alcoholic. No apologies for it, it just is what it is.

 

The right-hand point is your Non Negotiable. What are you willing to die for? What is it that you stand for above all else?

 

Isn’t it interesting that we might disagree with somebody, however can still respect their opinion. When we don’t know what somebody stands for, it makes them wishy washy and untrustworthy, because you are unclear about what you stand for, I now don’t know what you are going to do and therefore cannot trust you.

 

What do you stand for? What’s the thing you’re willing to hang your hat on, to die for?

 

I encourage you to look at yourself in this way. If you find (like I did when I first did this exercise) that you’re lacking in the Counter Star or ot so secret sin areas, you might be hiding out from a part of yourself that is REALLY worth expressing. You only have one life right? Fuck it. Go do the things you’re scared people will judge you for. Ask that girl out, tell the guy you’re attracted to that you just want to bang and not bother with the dating shit for now, tell the person you’re with you want to get married even though they’re hesitant, post that video, go back to school, move to a different place…whatever it is for you. Discover yourself. I can tell you from firsthand experience, it’s worth it.

 

 

 

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